Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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