I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize
