I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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