oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
