We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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