Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
