Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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