I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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