The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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