but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
