I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
