Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
