finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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