don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
