Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
