I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
