I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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