Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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