Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
