She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
