sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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