My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Randomize
