I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Randomize
