New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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