Tell her she can't have a vagina
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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