My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
