y did u give ur computer a hand job?
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize
