I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
