I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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