I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
