I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
