I look better un-naked...
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Shame - the story of my life.
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