New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
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