Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
