My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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