Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
