4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
