woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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