So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
