Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
