I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
