I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
