All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
