Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
