I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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