I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
