Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
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