apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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