i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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