Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
