whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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