shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
