So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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