i wish my penis had a tongue
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
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