Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
