If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
