remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
