Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
